ISSUE 21 : SUNKISSED SADNESS, REFLECTIONS ON INTERNALIZED COLORISM

+ a summer beauty edit

I suppose August is a strange time to share a summer beauty edit, considering summer’s almost over and our inboxes will soon be filled with a barrage of fall fashion collections. But the heat will probably persist for a while, and honestly, I use most of these products year-round. This edit simply strives to encapsulate that glowy, sweaty, sunkissed summertime vibe we all aspire for.
Or do we?

In America, sunbathing is a popular social activity and bronzed tan skin is considered aspirational. In most Asian cultures, sun exposure is aggressively discouraged, and intentionally pursuing a tan is unfathomable. My childhood summers growing up - in a South Asian immigrant family in a suburban American town with a majority white population - were extremely confusing, sometimes to a debilitating extent.

At home, and at family friends’ and cousins’ homes, the Aunties told me to stay out of the sun since my medium brown skin tanned easily. Augusts were always filled with admonishment - “Look how dark you’ve gotten.” Bollywood movies made the message crystal clear: to be beautiful, keep your skin as ‘fair’ (light) as possible. Meanwhile, at school, girls would complain about their paleness and get fake tans before prom. When the weather warmed up, they’d hang out in backyards for entire afternoons, sprawled out under the sun, friendships blossoming in the innumerable hours spent seeking perfectly sunkissed skin. I remember being sad in the summertime because I wanted to hang out with friends but I didn’t want to tan (or else, face the wrath of the Aunties). I remember being conflicted because I felt that my fear of the sun somehow felt wrong (although I couldn’t yet articulate why). And I remember being frustrated because I didn’t know how to explain any of this to my white friends (who seemed completely oblivious to the realities of racism). So, I’d slyly decline the afternoon invitations - “I’ll come over to watch a movie later!”

Mississippi Masala (1991)

The internalized trauma of colorism, which was ingrained into my psyche as a child, was persistent and insidious. Colorism, generally, is an issue in many non-white cultures, each with its own unique nuances and manifestations. In India, it’s origins are rooted in a complex intersection of economics (wealthier people don’t work outside), religion (particularly the Hindu caste system), colonization (the British weaponized colorism to their political advantage), and racism (as promoted by Western media). As I got older and learned about these concepts, I began to realize my avoidance of tanning as problematic, and I was overcome with shame. The internal dialogue in my mind spiraled and, for a long time, I found ways to talk myself out of truly reckoning with any of it. If pressed, I’d often come up with bizarre justifications - “I just like my natural skin tone and I don’t want to change it” - and deflect - “Why are you so obsessed with tanning anyway? Aren’t you scared of skin cancer and wrinkles?” At park picnics I’d find myself a shady spot. But beach days were more challenging - often no shade to be found. So, I got really into big sunhats.

will always love a good hat

Unpacking all of this has been a difficult and convoluted healing journey that I’m not sure will ever end. What I intellectually understand and theoretically believe does not automatically translate into behavioral change. It’s a constant internal struggle of actively interrogating myself and unlearning deeply-rooted habits. Forcing myself to lay out in the sun is so antithetical to what was taught to me when I was young that it feels like a sort of exposure therapy. This summer I ended up on a beach in the south of France without a hat and I sat there in the sand until, eventually, my anxiety passed and my body relaxed and I was able to enjoy watching the waves. Progress! To be clear, I will always love a good hat and sunscreen is important - skin cancer and premature aging are real and valid concerns. But using protection against sun damage as an excuse to avoid confronting my internalized colorism was yet another roadblock that I’ve had to tackle in this process. Though I still don’t feel any need to bake myself in the blazing heat in pursuit of a tan, I’ve stopped letting the sun interfere with enjoying summer activities and time with friends. And I’ve slowly learned to love the subtle glow of my own perfectly sunkissed skin.

Jacquelyn Iyamah has an online course that I found very helpful

Part of my personal process of unlearning colorism has included shifting my attention towards skincare and beauty brands that are founded by people of color and that uplift diverse perceptions of beauty. So, since nobody asked, here’s a summary of my summer beauty routine -

HAIR & BODY ~ The Slather Serum by Topicals contains retinol and exfoliants to help smooth bumpy skin all over, while Oui the People’s rose gold razor lasts forever with very cheap refill blades (making it the perfect sustainable alternative to the flimsy and expensive plastic ones we grew up with). I don’t use my razor as much since I splurged on laser hair removal, but I still love the brand’s Featherweight Body Gloss for glistening summer skin. For humidity, hair oil is a must, and I’m obsessed with the never-too-oily Ceremonia Oil Mist con Aloe Vera. I’ve tried a lot of their products, but this is the one I can’t live without.

SKINCARE ~ I had my doubts about the hypochlorous acid craze, but this stuff is truly a gamechanger. It’s a gentle face sanitizer, which is great for anytime you come home after going outside in New York and also for suspicious breakouts or a quick cleanse when you’re on an airplane. I did not expect to like it as much as I do, but it seems to come in handy so often that I’m on my second bottle this year of SOS Rescue Spray by Tower28. As a lightweight hydrating summer moisturizer, my go-to is Dieux’s Air Angel Gel Cream. Eadem does a beautiful job with their marketing campaigns, and I’ve been delighted to find that their products match up - Milk Marvel is the only Vitamin C serum I’ve ever used that doesn’t irritate my skin. Sunscreen is a necessity, and my favorite right now is Tocobo’s Bio Watery Sun Cream. I discovered it at the drugstore in Seoul when all the others that I had diligently researched were sold out.

COMPLEXION ~ I want as little as possible on my skin in the summer; even tinted moisturizer feels oppressive. I’ve been a fan of Deepica since her viral color correcting video in 2015 and her Huestick is the perfect fix for expertly camouflaging dark circles and hyperpigmentation. This step reduces the amount of Kulfi’s concealer I need to use on top. I find that finishing with powder helps pull everything together and reduce excess shine. While I don’t usually wear mascara, I’ve been culturally conditioned to never leave the house without a bit of kajal for a defined eyeline.

LIPS & CHEEKS ~ Experiment’s Softwear smoothing treatment has become an everyday staple for me and my chronically chapped lips. I’m a recovering chapstick addict, and this is the only one that’s worth it. To add a bit of a flush, I like Ami Colé’s multistick. I personally use the color Dune, a reddish brown shade, on my cheeks and sometimes add a bit to my eyelids too. When it comes to lip color, I’m desperately trying to use up the last of my current liner so that I can splurge on the Fara Homidi that I’ve been lusting after for ages. Finally, I love to top off with tinted lip oil - I find that this keeps my lips hydrated while also helping the liner last longer.

You can browse everything in the summer beauty edit here.

—

Thank you for reading! The topic of this issue has been on my mind for over a year - it feels more personal than most other things I’ve written, and took me a while to figure out how to articulate. I hope it resonates.